After all my posturing and trying to be clever, all my aloofness and mockery of the underwater shopping expeditions down in Cork, I got up on this morning and began my Christmas shopping. I can hear Radge now, head in hands, bemoaning the fact that I have turned on him and let him down in his pseudo Christmassy type male bonding moment of need. Sorry old chap, but the 23rd was far too late for me. So I set my alarm for 4am and sat in my kitchen drinking whiskey and listening to Fairytale of New York and waiting for 9am to arrive.
My Christmas shopping very much resembles a Phil Collins record. It starts out with little or no thought to the actual result, solidly promises to be completely and utterly shit (and then promptly delivers exactly that). In short, it doesn’t even make the top forty. Enough with the Phil Collins metaphors I hear you say, but I think by now you have got the idea on what level of awful, hideous, and talentless idiocy my shopping skills fall into.
The list had been made. It was a start. A start made while drunkenly mistaking a tube of super glue for my missing optrex. So, with one eye glued half shut and the onset of a raging hangover, I headed into Hoggis Figgis. I was buoyed with the hope that for the first time in years I would not being careering around Grafton St at 6pm on Christmas eve, desperately hoping for inspiration in the basement of a Hardware Store. This didn’t last long.
Less than ten minutes later I was being hurriedly escorted out of the store by a large heavily built and heavily accented gentleman. My off the cuff quip to nearby priest regarding ‘paedophilia for dummies’ had not endeared me to staff or customer, and so with my copy of the Manga Kama Sutra stripped from my hands (no pressie for Auntie Amelia this year) I was tossed out into the street. I thought for a moment about going across the street to Waterstones, but I gave into the fact that any shopping prior to the 23rd is just not going to be allowed to happen. And so with a heavy disposition I gathered my thoughts and headed for the eye and ear hospital.
on Dec 6th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Take heart.. you are a mere novice at the art of shopping… it is to you what Grand Turismo is to me.. going backwards, hitting the wrong buttons, maybe a wall here and there and not really seeing the point of all the effort in the end…
That is why the interweb was invented… tell me what you want and through the magic of Visa and An Post .. it will be so!!
on Dec 6th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I’m doing mine on Tuesday. Yep, Tuesday. I reciprocate in the ‘letting down’ stakes, and in this case I’m letting you down for letting me down.
We’re doing the Secret Santa thing for the first time (recession) and I got my sister, so I promised to follow her around town for an hour - she’ll pick out what she wants, I’ll give the nice man or woman some money, then we’ll go and get drunk.
We’d better go and get drunk.
on Dec 6th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Radge… is there a price limit?.. we are in year three in my family of Secret Santa.. year one showed the importance of price limit!!.. year two was then just Chinese whispers of “if you could pick three things.. what would they be?”..(subtle we aint).. we edge closer and closer to just buying it ourselves and saying “thanks.. it was just what I wanted”..
(word to the wise.. if you don’t have a penis (not Radge according to the grapevine) don’t ask for a terra block external hard drive… they just won’t believe you and you end up with another handbag that doesn’t hold a pack of cigarettes)
on Dec 6th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
A limit of 5 x score, she’s talking of hats and DS games. I can be trusted on the latter but the former, well, she’ll have to be present.
This appendage grapevine, who have you been talking to??
on Dec 7th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
“…nearby priest…”
Fr. Christmas, was it?
on Dec 7th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
How about some handmade gifts this year Red? Just think how much fun you could have making that gift for Auntie Amelia.
on Dec 7th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
My Aunt is what you might call non-technical. She emails, but… she has not yet figured out how to apply case and punctuation to any electric text so when it happens it happens. This make her emails look a bit like ranson notes and makes deciphering them a bit like sudoku.
So I’m getting her the latest version of the internet for Christmas… she’ll be well impressed
on Dec 8th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Feckin’ stoopid Amazon resellers. I had to post just about everything to my flat and then repost it to Dublin. Ah the murdering.