Hollywood has become very lazy, well all know this, it is rare that beautiful moving thought provoking scripts will arrive on a producers desk and be given the go ahead. Now it is all about the almighty dollar, guarantee to take 150 million in your opening weekend and you have yourself a movie, try and tell a worthwhile story with moving and heart wrenching sentimentality and you may as well serve up the script wrapped in a shit covered swastika.
The big distributors now will gladly take on remakes of wonderfully made flicks from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and butcher them will all the skill and subtle care of axe murderer with a pressing appointment. Recently I have been engrossed in an online search for up and coming movie remakes that might live up to the original, that might make me shed a tear, and spin my moral compass to point in a vaguely acceptable direction. These are some of the remakes that I found that fit into these high standards. Beware there are spoilers below, if you haven’t seen some of these perhaps you weren’t meant to in the first place so read on.
The Shawshank Redemption - Morgan Freeman is to be played by by Steven Seagal, the Tim Robbins role shall be filled by David Caruso. Instead of a life sentence for Andy Du Fresne he will be instead serving 6 months for a parking violation. None the less he tries to escape and gets stuck in the sewer for 3 days, Seagal fights his way out of the prison and procures himself a small mercenary ninja army. They fight their way back in and blow Andy out of the shitpipe with some dynamite, all this to the dulcet tones of Beyonce playing throughout the prison. Tears, laughter and high octane action scenes promises a great 2 hours.
Ghost - This wonderful teary number from 1990 shall be jazzed up noughties style. Eddie Murphy shall reprise the Whoopi Goldberg role (in drag), and Molly and Sam shall be played by Will Ferrel and Scarlett Johannson. Instead of actually being killed Sam will have gallstones and spend the entire film in a hospital bed worrying about medical insurance, Molly will weep while making pottery in her underwear (as before), Murphy will shout wildly and endeavour to play all 15 other parts in the film with the help of some CGI, a surefire hit.
Stand by Me - This wonderfully adapted Stephen King short story about four boys coming of age as they set out to look for a dead body shall be re-hashed for release in 2010 as a sequel. The four names rumoured to have signed up are, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, Ice Cube and James Earl Jones. The foursome will be billed as distant cousins to the original four of Will Wheaton, River Phoenix, Jerry O’Connell and Corey Feldman. Instead of rural Castlerock it shall be set in Compton and renamed “Stand by me Yo”. The four will be travelling around in a ‘84 camero searching for Ice Cube’s lost brother who got mixed up with the wrong crowd in a drug deal gone sour. The ending is said to involve the car getting a slow punture and a trip the drive-thru. Watch out for other up and coming features, Yup folks, Hollywood are again hitting the high notes.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Last tango in Longford(Paris).
Stephen Hawking taking up the Brando role and Ann Doyle instead of Maria Schneider.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 11:16 am
“Charlies Angels - The Bromance”
The angels: Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Chris Tucker
Charlie: Jessica Lang
Bosley: Anna Faris
The badies: Ron Perlman + Juliette Lewis
The Plot: totally negotiable, probably absent
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Can we have more cars in the Stand By Me?
More cars.
Make them faster.
And furiouser.
A lot furiouser.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 11:22 am
The Goonies…. but with Brian Cowen as Sloth - a band of kids from the ‘Goon Docks’ neighbourhood of Offaly South, hoping to save their land from recession fuelled destruction, go on an adventure to find the buried treasure of Charlie J. Haughey, a legendary 17th Century pirate
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 11:40 am
The Godfather Of Oz - Dorothy leaves Kansas in search of a new ‘family’.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Dangerous liasons
Let’s bring it right up to date and set it in American high school full of brats. We can have Buffy playing Glen Closes’ role and Ryan Phillip would be perfect as a vacous hearthob lacking any of the machiavellian wit the original Vicomte de Valmont possessed. We need a snappier title, something that spells out the whole plot in plain english. Got it! ‘Cruel Intentions’.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
@ Ovak - Would Hawking deliver the lines with his dulcet tones? YEAHTHATSRIGHTLOWERDOITBABY
@ Hollywood Producer - Oh they’ll be furious, furious like a FOX.
@ NSO - Juliette Lewis must die (it’s a long story)
@ Ubuntuc - My favourite film so badly butchered in such an amusing way.
@ Radge - This has legs, let me have the first draft by Monday
@ John Braine - Jesus I had been struggling with that for the last 9 years.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Gaul stones?? Like out of Asterix? Dolmens, as such?
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Damn my feeble brain. Changed.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
It was a good one though.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
The Philadelphia Story
Tracy Lord - Coco
C. K. Dexter Haven - Sam Rockwell
Macaulay Connor - Seth Rogen (chunkylover66@hotmail.com)
George Kittredge - George Clooney
Well, it’s my movie, isn’t it!
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Red you should see the prequel to the Goonies (2009), it’s Weird Science (2009) starring Bertie Ahern. Plot goes something like this:
Two wannabe politicians in Drumcondra, unpopular and unable to get elected on their own, use their computer to design the perfect candidate. However due to their absolute lack of programming skills but an insider’s knowledge of hacking, they break into Celia Larkin’s beauty parlour website and somehow end up with a sexed-up, beer swilling, football loving politician with superpowers called the Bertmeister….
The script has 3 different endings… none of which i’m at liberty to reveal.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
@ Coco - Yes, I suppose it is yours, but I am directing.
@ Ubuntuc - IIIITSSSSS ALLLLLLIVEEEEEEEE
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I think you’ve just written the blockbusters for the next several years.
on Apr 30th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Just keep it on the right side of “artistic” Red.
on May 1st, 2009 at 1:05 am
Red, you’ve been Snailed.
http://meadowchance.blogspot.com/2009/04/snailed-not-quite-as-good-as-desked.html
on May 1st, 2009 at 2:08 am
I’d like to see Free Willy remade, with the role of Willy played by Flipper. I think a dolphin could bring a lot to the character of a Killer Whale. Plus, dolphins look more like killer whales on camera than killer whales do.
Gentle Ben played the part of Skippy for similar reasons.
on May 1st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
The Brotherhood of the Travelling Y-Fronts.
It’s like Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, only with blokes and Y-fronts. A sequel is already in the works, The Brotherhood of the Travelling Y-Fronts (2 pairs of same).
Works for me anyhoo.
on May 1st, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Before Sunrise - Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan take the train from Dublin to Killarney but due to a lack of money for urgent repairs at Limerick junction the train is forced to circle Nenagh (and no i don’t care if the train from dublin to killarney goes anywhere near nenagh) for 24 hours during which they talk about life, love and iceland…
…actually make that, Before Sunset..
on May 1st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Caruso’s older than Robbins so that’d be bizarre.
on May 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
My nightmare is a re-make of “All About Eve” with Jennifer Aniston playing the Bette Davis role.
The horror!